Into every life a little rain must fall. And I’ve had my share of thunderstorms.
When I was in high school and experienced my first broken heart, I thought I could never feel such pain. But I learned quickly that hearts do heal, and soon became an expert in giving advice on how to get over a lost love and move on. Of course it’s always easier to give advice than follow your own when you are going through it yourself. That first broken heart did toughen me up a little. I was more careful the next time I fell.
When I lost my husband, my heart was broken again, but the grief and loss of a loved one through death is a different hurt entirely than through a break-up or divorce. Some of my divorced friends tell me that in a way I have an advantage. No ex to fight with over kids or money. No going back. No fixing things. No further discussion. No choice but to move on.
And move on I have tried to do.
I didn’t date for quite awhile after Phil died. I went out with some male friends; got comfortable being alone with a man who was not my husband after 20 years, but nothing serious. By year two I’d opened up to the idea of dating…and started going out more, but I knew I didn’t want anything serious. I put myself on a 4-year plan. I wanted to get my daughters through high school and into college before I got involved with anyone. I figured that relationships… especially marriage is tough enough without adding the whole blended-family thing. My daughters had been through enough pain…enough change. My focus was on the girls and on my supporting my family on my own.
And then I met him.
It was instant chemistry. He was handsome, charming, successful, intelligent. Our first date over coffee had us talking away about anything and everything. Two hours later…neither of us wanted it to end…and we made plans to meet that night for a glass of wine. He told me his company was sending on a European assignment that might keep him there a year, and he would be moving in a couple of months. I told him I was in no hurry, and that getting to know one another slowly was cool with me. It seemed so perfect.
After a few more dates he told me with a smile, “your 4 year plan sucks!” While it may not sound like it now… it was very romantic at the time. I had fallen like a ton of bricks and I was sure I had met the man I was going to marry. We saw one another almost every day after that until he left for Europe.
The details don’t matter now…but as more time passed.. the less it seemed like we could have a future together.
Distance, past life experience, failed expectations, extended family issues…who knows? I still haven’t figured it all out...but we just didn’t work. I guess we looked at the same picture but saw an entirely different view. And so, it ended. And when it did we were both broken-hearted. So much so that we’ve tried again several times. So much so that whenever we see each other again…even after months have passed, the feelings seem as strong as they ever were. Which I guess is why we kept trying again.
But alas, we both know we don’t work.
There are hundreds of songs on the radio I can relate to about love gone wrong.
Angst- filled lyrics filled with questions about why love alone just can't be enough. At least I know I’m not alone in my pain. And if love was all it took we’d be together. And that...still...makes me sad.
I saw him again recently, and for the first time in all these months I felt a healing between us. He told me that if anything happened to one or the other of us…that he wanted "all to be right and forgiven between us". And so we agreed it was. We both apologized for the pain we caused one another and really meant it. And we both said we have forgiven one another and really meant it.
Maybe now I will move on. Maybe now I really can.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t love him still.
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