Fig Newton Moments

Although my husband's been gone for almost 7 years this June, I still have such intense flashes of grief at the most inopportune times, they almost knock me over. The pain is so deep it feels as if it happened just yesterday. How can this wound feel so fresh sometimes? Am I insane? Geesh...it's been 7 years! I should be over it. Move on girl! These are the things I tell myself. It is because of those moments, I decided to attend a grief session, at the Hospice Center in my area, and it helped me so much.

The moderator talked about these very moments; and she described one of hers. While grocery shopping, rolling her cart down the cookie aisle, she told how she instinctively reached for the Fig Newtons. That may not sound strange, but the thing is, she didn't like Fig Newtons. But she always did the grocery shopping for her dad, and her dad loved them. Her dad has been gone for more than 2 years, so why did she, at that moment, set herself back in time and grab those Fig Newtons as though she planned to take them to his house? She called it a "Fig Newton Moment", and she said broke down, right there and then, cookies in hand...sobbing in the aisle.

She then reminded us that for those who were mourning multiple losses, the Fig Newton moments occur all over the place and who you're missing gets all mixed up. It made me feel less insane to recall that since my husband died, I lost a beloved aunt, my dad and most recently, my mom. And that its normal to miss them all at once and forget who I'm grieving and just feel plain old SAD!

So, I began to feel a little better about the fact that I seem to be the only one who doesnt' like Spring. Everyone around me thinks it is a great time of the year, and I just don't. Springtime for me is one Fig Newton moment after another. Phil died June 13th, and I recall that March and April were so torturous that year. I wanted the weather to get nice so he could enjoy what I knew would be his last spring. Every morning I'd check the weather forecast (and working in radio, I always knew the forecast) and it was always rain, rain mixed with snow, and then an occasional tease of a sunny day with a high near 60, if we were lucky. It was probably the coldest spring I can remember, or maybe it wasn't but it seemed that way. I was so angry. At God? At Mother Nature? At Dick Goddard? Can't we just have a nice day so he can enjoy what few days he has left?!

We had an okay May that year, and finally, by June 1st, the weather got warm. In his last 2 weeks of life when he couldn't get out to enjoy it. Of course the weather was fabulous on June 13th and beyond...especially on that Father's Day Sunday when we had his calling hours.

Every Spring since, I get the blues when I read the forecast, and it calls for rain mixed with snow... especially when its almost April. I get filled with emotion when I step outside and its cold and the rain stings my face...it's like someone is pelting me with Fig Newtons!

So many of us are grieving so many things each and every day. You don't have to experience a death to experience grief. Your Fig Newton moment may come in the form of a song on the radio reminding you of a lost love as you grieve a divorce. Opening your closet looking at your work clothes may feel like a punch in the stomach as you reach for your sweats because you lost your job. The empty dog bowl in your kitchen reminding you of your beloved pet.

Loss comes in many forms, and it isn't something you get over. You just get used to it; and hopefully learn empathy and compassion from that pain. You are not not going nuts when you feel it...and neither am I. In fact, you're probably nuts if you don't.

So lean into it...and then, let's have a Fig Newton together, maybe with a cup of hazelnut coffee?