There are so many of us who just didn't think we'd be in this situation. Whether it's through divorce, death or just never finding the one, at 40-something, we just didn't think we'd be out in the dating world again.
Widowed at age 44, I know I didn't.
I didn't really date much for the first year and a half. And once I got out there, I had no idea I'd have such interesting and eye-opening experiences. I now have many more single friends, both male and female in my social circle than when I was married, and I've heard some wild and wacky stories from them too.
Recently a group of us were enjoying a beverage after work, and one of my friends starting giving her list of red flags. I added a few of my own, and then everyone began jumping in. I thought I'd share some of the combined wisdom that came out of that evening. Warning: this is from a female perspective.
The Newly Single. Most people just out of a relationship, especially a long-term one, have a void to fill. Their self-esteem is damaged and many look for an ego boost via a brand new girlfriend. They rush to fill the emptiness, and they just aren't ready. Many newly single "go back" for an evening, for a week, for a month, to their ex. No matter how bad or dysfunctional a relationship might have been there is some comfort in familiarity. It takes time to heal. Date someone who has been out for awhile, is comfortable in his own skin and can function without a woman constantly in his life.
Too much talk about the "ex". Excessive talk abut the ex, whether its positive talk or negative talk indicates a need to work through issues. If they talk about how wonderful their past relationship was and how well they still get along, may leave the impressiion they hope for reconciliation. Conversly, trashing the ex could mean the anger and frustration from the relationship is unresolved. Information about previous relationships should be revealed slowly and sparingly, as a relationship grows. Yes, it's helpful to know a person's relational history, but time and trust should determine when and how much info to reveal.
Psycho Exes. While it is possible to get involved with someone with serious issues once, people of strong character don't have multiple psycho exes in their lives. If all you are hearing is that is was "their fault" and "they were nuts", realize that the one common denominator in all these relationships is him. Run.
He has few outside relationships. It may be flattering at first for someone to want to be with you all the time. But if his only relationship is the woman he is dating, his expectations will be for you to fill every need. If a man has few or no male friends, no fishing, golfing or nights-out buddies, something is awry. Jealously, control and isolation from your family and friends could be looming.
Poor relationship with his mom and sister. These are the most formative and important female relationships in his life. Observing his handling of these relationships will help you determine his relational skills and his ability to compromise with you. If he treats these women with disrespect, it's a sign of how he may treat you and with your kids if you have them.
How he treats the wait staff. If he's cheap at a restaurant, especially in the early phases of the relationship when he's trying to impress you, he'll be cheap in every aspect of his life. Bossy, condescending talk to people in the service industry at a restaurant, bar, cab, or retail shop is the ultimate sign of low confidence. He's a bully, and he'll bully you.
The wandering eye. Most "normal" men I know can't believe when we tell them this even happens. But it does. A man can't look you in the eye. When he talk or listens, his eyes are on your chest. And when they aren't checking your cleavage, they looking at other women's cleavage.
Cell phone etiquette. If he spends more time talking to someone on the cell phone than you, it's clear how you rate. The only calls he should take or make are emergency calls from one of his kids or from work. In fact, if he doesn't take a call from his child, his priorities are off. The key is to politely excuse and explain who is calling and keep the call brief.
In the early stages of a relationship as you're getting to know someone, it is important to learn and pay attention to the little red flags. If something doesn't seem quite right, trust your gut. Like it or not, a person's relational history is a good indication of what's to come, so pay attention. While it's true we can work to change and adjust and improve on some of our faults and in areas of communication and compromise. The basics of our personality remain constant, especially the older we get. At 40-something, we are what we are, and we need to find someone who will love and accept us for that.
Ladies: Anything to add? Gentlemen? Gve me your red flags and I'll post them, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment