Two years into what I now call my second life (my single life), I was walking in the park with my girlfriend chatting about work, family and life in general. Eventually the conversation turned to my love life…or lack thereof.
“Are you dating yet?” she asked.
“I go out.” I said. “I have some good male friends. I’ve had a few fix-ups, but no one special.”
I then lamented that it’s much more challenging to be single in your 40’s than in your 20’s. The pool of single people when you’re young is much larger than in mid-life. Most of the people in my world are married. I don’t do the bar scene thing, and although I have a cool job, I rarely meet single people through work, or at least, single people my age. Akron, Ohio, I have determined, is not exactly a hot bed of activity for singles.
“Have you tried online dating?” she asked.
I admit I had thought about it. I had even perused several dating sites, and on one evening of boredom I completed the eharmony personality profile. But I was skeptical about joining the world of online dating.
“It seems desperate”, I said. “If I’m supposed to meet someone it will just happen when it happens.”
She disagreed and said that if she were single she would absolutely go online. She thought it was a far better way of meeting people than just by chance, especially in a bar. She then told me a success story of a friend who had met someone online.
I thought about it. I did some surfing, and I concluded there were many benefits. You can scan a profile and learn at least the basics about someone: their hobbies and interests, family background, work, even religion to see if there is some common ground. And, while looks aren’t everything, there does need to be some form of physical attraction, and I liked that you can see a photo.
I had that conversation with my girlfriend 2 ½ years ago. Since then, between her urging and that of others, I gave in and gave online dating a try; on and off sporadically. During that time I met some very nice guys, and had one serious relationship. And though none of them turned out to be the happy ending promised in the commercials, I continue to enjoy a friendship with a select few. As open-minded as I have tried to be, however, I have determined that this form of dating is not for me.
What brought me to this revelation?
It was a communication with a man that made me realize that online dating was like shopping for a partner the way you shop for a car. And somehow, that just feels strange. You log in, and type your search specifications and up pops a bunch of photos. This one looks nice, but it doesn’t have a sun roof. I like the looks of that one, but it has too many miles, and wow, this one doesn’t have a very good track record of performance.
Back to whats-his-name; the final straw in my online dating life. His first email told me he liked what he saw in my profile. That I stood out from the rest, blah blah. I can tell a lot about someone by the way they write, and can quickly determine whether I want to continue the communication. After a week or so, I believe in meeting the person in a safe, comfortable setting. If you communicate via email or phone too long without meeting you can set up false expectations. Someone may seem great on paper, but you have to meet in person to know if there’s any chemistry.
So, when the idea to meet for coffee came up, I suggested a day and time. He then committed the big crime in my book. TMI (too much information) He told me he couldn’t meet with me then because he was meeting with another woman he’d been communicating with, and suggested another time we could meet. He then went a step further and said he would much rather meet with me than this other person, but he couldn’t cancel now. He told me more about his other online meetings with women, ending with the disclaimer that he said he was an honest person, and felt he needed to share all this.
That was the wake-up call.
Of course I’m not naive enough to think people don't communicate with more than one person at a time. But full disclosure of this, along with details of all his other failed dates and disappointments fell into the TMI category. But, hey wait... wasn’t I guilty of the same thing? Window shopping …lining people up, comparing features and benefits…scheduling test drives?
I sat here and thought about many of the crazy dates I'd been on. Those dates where 20 minutes in I'm praying for the night to end. Thinking "why is he saying that?" "Why would anyone share this information?" "Why the hell am I sitting here?" Not wanting to be in that situation again, I politely ended the correspondence with "what's -his-name" without meeting him in person.
Online dating has the potential to lead to serial dating. There’s always another profile that looks better. And there always will be. The grass is always greener. It’s not real life. I don’t mean to sound judgmental. Especially since I felt like so many people judged me when I tried it. Although it didn't work for me, I know there are success stories. I know it works for some people. An eternal romantic, I love to hear those stories.
What’s been most beneficial to me from the online dating experience is that it’s gotten me back out into the world of dating after being with the same man for 20 years. It’s helped me figure out not only what I want…but what I don’t want. I know what my deal-breakers are. Although I’m open to finding love again, I’ve accepted that 5 years of being single may turn into 6, or 10 or forever.
I was blessed to have true love once… until death did us part, and because I am an optimist, I have hope it could happen again. Although my online dating life is over I will still date when the right opportunity presents itself.
Hope springs eternal.
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