I've have the pleasure of knowing many people who have many successful, happy relationships in their lives. Whether it's a long and happy marriage, friendships that have endured time and tribulation, or family bonds that go beyond blood, there's one common theme in these relationships: Acceptance.
It sounds so simple, but a person's willingness to accept another is the key to an enduring relationship.
My brother-in- law often jokes about how he is surprised my sister puts up with him after 30 some years of marriage. A wonderful and self-deprecating kind of guy, he'll easily list his faults, and follows with word of gratitude that she accepts him with all those faults. And my sister is quick to point out the things she does that drive him crazy.
Acceptance doesn't mean you can't be frustrated by things that bother you. It doesn't mean you like every personality trait your partner has; it simply means you weigh the good verses the bad, and if the good rules, and you accept the irksome traits for what they are. You realize that while they aren't perfect, neither are you. There is an agreement, spoken or unspoken, that you love more than you don't love about them, and the things you don't love you will live with. And, in turn, they will do the same.
When one is unwilling to offer total acceptance, the relationship is in trouble, and often fails.
To search for "the one" who will fill every single need you have is an unrealistic expectation. How unfair it is for us to expect one person to fill our every need when we ourselves cannot fulfill our own needs or 100 percent of another's, no matter how much we long too, or how hard we try.
No one fits like a glove. The people I know with lasting relationships have a variety of people in their lives that fulfill a variety of needs. A woman may love to shop, and her husband doesn't, so she shops with a friend. A man may love to golf, but his wife doesn't so he plays golf with buddies. A couple certainly needs to have common interests that bond them, and shared activities are crucial…but it is also healthy to have friends and interests apart from one another.
We can't change another person's personality attributes or their behavior. We can only change our attitude and our response toward them. In a long term friendship or life partner relationship, we can choose to accept those things about that person that bother us…and hope they can do the same when it comes to our faults. Or we can decide those things are beyond our ability to tolerate and walk away.
I don't think we can choose who we fall in love with. We just fall in love. But staying in love is a decision. It takes work. And acceptance is also a decision, and it too, takes work.
Note: this article was originally written in November of 2007
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Carrying The Weight
I've been single for 5 years now. I've gone on a lot of dates, met some terrific people, made some great friends, and have even fallen in love once. These experiences have been enlightening, and have taught me not only what I want, but more importantly, what I don’t want out of love, life and a long-term relationship should I ever decide to share my life with someone again.
During this time, there are 2 words I’ve heard people use interchangeably: Baggage and Issues. I’ve heard the warnings: “Stay away from that one…too much baggage”. “Look out…he’s got more issues than Newsweek” as if the two were the same. They are not.
Most people would describe baggage as an ex, kids, extended family, caregiving issues with aging parents, maybe even some health issues. No doubt there can be challenges dating someone with these things in their lives. However, if someone has relationship-related baggage that comes in the form of friends, children, extended family and co-workers, I'll pay the price.
Some people, on the outside, seem like they have all together. But on the inside their victim mentality, self-focus, critical nature and challenging personality leave them with plenty of issues but very little baggage in the form of strong family ties, lasting relationships or long-time friends.
I’d much rather be with someone who’s baggage involves spending time nuturing a relationship with their kids; putting them first. Someone who takes care of a sick parent, or who makes their extended family—even if somewhat dysfunctional, a priority. Someone who has friendships that might compete for their time. Baggage that leaves someone comfortable enough in their own skin they don’t “need” another to be complete is a good thing.
You can't live 40-some years and not have some baggage. Each of us has at least a back pack or carry-on; plus one or two we’re allowed to check as long as they don’t exceed the weight limit. And then there are those of us who have to pay extra for bags that are over the limit of what is seemingly acceptable.
I'd rather travel the world with someone with a few bags than someone with a light load. People with light baggage often have heavy issues.
During this time, there are 2 words I’ve heard people use interchangeably: Baggage and Issues. I’ve heard the warnings: “Stay away from that one…too much baggage”. “Look out…he’s got more issues than Newsweek” as if the two were the same. They are not.
Most people would describe baggage as an ex, kids, extended family, caregiving issues with aging parents, maybe even some health issues. No doubt there can be challenges dating someone with these things in their lives. However, if someone has relationship-related baggage that comes in the form of friends, children, extended family and co-workers, I'll pay the price.
Some people, on the outside, seem like they have all together. But on the inside their victim mentality, self-focus, critical nature and challenging personality leave them with plenty of issues but very little baggage in the form of strong family ties, lasting relationships or long-time friends.
I’d much rather be with someone who’s baggage involves spending time nuturing a relationship with their kids; putting them first. Someone who takes care of a sick parent, or who makes their extended family—even if somewhat dysfunctional, a priority. Someone who has friendships that might compete for their time. Baggage that leaves someone comfortable enough in their own skin they don’t “need” another to be complete is a good thing.
You can't live 40-some years and not have some baggage. Each of us has at least a back pack or carry-on; plus one or two we’re allowed to check as long as they don’t exceed the weight limit. And then there are those of us who have to pay extra for bags that are over the limit of what is seemingly acceptable.
I'd rather travel the world with someone with a few bags than someone with a light load. People with light baggage often have heavy issues.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Moving On From a Broken Heart
Into every life a little rain must fall. And I’ve had my share of thunderstorms.
When I was in high school and experienced my first broken heart, I thought I could never feel such pain. But I learned quickly that hearts do heal, and soon became an expert in giving advice on how to get over a lost love and move on. Of course it’s always easier to give advice than follow your own when you are going through it yourself. That first broken heart did toughen me up a little. I was more careful the next time I fell.
When I lost my husband, my heart was broken again, but the grief and loss of a loved one through death is a different hurt entirely than through a break-up or divorce. Some of my divorced friends tell me that in a way I have an advantage. No ex to fight with over kids or money. No going back. No fixing things. No further discussion. No choice but to move on.
And move on I have tried to do.
I didn’t date for quite awhile after Phil died. I went out with some male friends; got comfortable being alone with a man who was not my husband after 20 years, but nothing serious. By year two I’d opened up to the idea of dating…and started going out more, but I knew I didn’t want anything serious. I put myself on a 4-year plan. I wanted to get my daughters through high school and into college before I got involved with anyone. I figured that relationships… especially marriage is tough enough without adding the whole blended-family thing. My daughters had been through enough pain…enough change. My focus was on the girls and on my supporting my family on my own.
And then I met him.
It was instant chemistry. He was handsome, charming, successful, intelligent. Our first date over coffee had us talking away about anything and everything. Two hours later…neither of us wanted it to end…and we made plans to meet that night for a glass of wine. He told me his company was sending on a European assignment that might keep him there a year, and he would be moving in a couple of months. I told him I was in no hurry, and that getting to know one another slowly was cool with me. It seemed so perfect.
After a few more dates he told me with a smile, “your 4 year plan sucks!” While it may not sound like it now… it was very romantic at the time. I had fallen like a ton of bricks and I was sure I had met the man I was going to marry. We saw one another almost every day after that until he left for Europe.
The details don’t matter now…but as more time passed.. the less it seemed like we could have a future together.
Distance, past life experience, failed expectations, extended family issues…who knows? I still haven’t figured it all out...but we just didn’t work. I guess we looked at the same picture but saw an entirely different view. And so, it ended. And when it did we were both broken-hearted. So much so that we’ve tried again several times. So much so that whenever we see each other again…even after months have passed, the feelings seem as strong as they ever were. Which I guess is why we kept trying again.
But alas, we both know we don’t work.
There are hundreds of songs on the radio I can relate to about love gone wrong.
Angst- filled lyrics filled with questions about why love alone just can't be enough. At least I know I’m not alone in my pain. And if love was all it took we’d be together. And that...still...makes me sad.
I saw him again recently, and for the first time in all these months I felt a healing between us. He told me that if anything happened to one or the other of us…that he wanted "all to be right and forgiven between us". And so we agreed it was. We both apologized for the pain we caused one another and really meant it. And we both said we have forgiven one another and really meant it.
Maybe now I will move on. Maybe now I really can.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t love him still.
When I was in high school and experienced my first broken heart, I thought I could never feel such pain. But I learned quickly that hearts do heal, and soon became an expert in giving advice on how to get over a lost love and move on. Of course it’s always easier to give advice than follow your own when you are going through it yourself. That first broken heart did toughen me up a little. I was more careful the next time I fell.
When I lost my husband, my heart was broken again, but the grief and loss of a loved one through death is a different hurt entirely than through a break-up or divorce. Some of my divorced friends tell me that in a way I have an advantage. No ex to fight with over kids or money. No going back. No fixing things. No further discussion. No choice but to move on.
And move on I have tried to do.
I didn’t date for quite awhile after Phil died. I went out with some male friends; got comfortable being alone with a man who was not my husband after 20 years, but nothing serious. By year two I’d opened up to the idea of dating…and started going out more, but I knew I didn’t want anything serious. I put myself on a 4-year plan. I wanted to get my daughters through high school and into college before I got involved with anyone. I figured that relationships… especially marriage is tough enough without adding the whole blended-family thing. My daughters had been through enough pain…enough change. My focus was on the girls and on my supporting my family on my own.
And then I met him.
It was instant chemistry. He was handsome, charming, successful, intelligent. Our first date over coffee had us talking away about anything and everything. Two hours later…neither of us wanted it to end…and we made plans to meet that night for a glass of wine. He told me his company was sending on a European assignment that might keep him there a year, and he would be moving in a couple of months. I told him I was in no hurry, and that getting to know one another slowly was cool with me. It seemed so perfect.
After a few more dates he told me with a smile, “your 4 year plan sucks!” While it may not sound like it now… it was very romantic at the time. I had fallen like a ton of bricks and I was sure I had met the man I was going to marry. We saw one another almost every day after that until he left for Europe.
The details don’t matter now…but as more time passed.. the less it seemed like we could have a future together.
Distance, past life experience, failed expectations, extended family issues…who knows? I still haven’t figured it all out...but we just didn’t work. I guess we looked at the same picture but saw an entirely different view. And so, it ended. And when it did we were both broken-hearted. So much so that we’ve tried again several times. So much so that whenever we see each other again…even after months have passed, the feelings seem as strong as they ever were. Which I guess is why we kept trying again.
But alas, we both know we don’t work.
There are hundreds of songs on the radio I can relate to about love gone wrong.
Angst- filled lyrics filled with questions about why love alone just can't be enough. At least I know I’m not alone in my pain. And if love was all it took we’d be together. And that...still...makes me sad.
I saw him again recently, and for the first time in all these months I felt a healing between us. He told me that if anything happened to one or the other of us…that he wanted "all to be right and forgiven between us". And so we agreed it was. We both apologized for the pain we caused one another and really meant it. And we both said we have forgiven one another and really meant it.
Maybe now I will move on. Maybe now I really can.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t love him still.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Acceptance
I've have the pleasure of knowing many people who have many successful, happy relationships in their lives. Whether it's a long and happy marriage, friendships that have endured time and tribulation, or family bonds that go beyond blood, there's one common theme in these relationships: Acceptance.
It sounds so simple, but a person's willingness to accept another is the key to an enduring relationship.
My brother-in- law often jokes about how he is surprised my sister puts up with him after 30 some years of marriage. A wonderful and self-deprecating kind of guy, he'll easily list his faults, and follows with word of gratitude that she accepts him with all those faults. And my sister is quick to point out the things she does that drive him crazy.
Acceptance doesn't mean you can't be frustrated by things that bother you. It doesn't mean you like every personality trait your partner has; it simply means you weigh the good verses the bad, and if the good rules, and you accept the irksome traits for what they are. You realize that while they aren't perfect, neither are you. There is an agreement, spoken or unspoken, that you love more than you don't love about them, and the things you don't love you will live with. And, in turn, they will do the same.
When one is unwilling to offer total acceptance, the relationship is in trouble, and often fails.
To search for "the one" who will fill every single need you have is an unrealistic expectation. How unfair it is for us to expect one person to fill our every need when we ourselves cannot fulfill our own needs or 100 percent of another's, no matter how much we long too, or how hard we try.
No one fits like a glove. The people I know with lasting relationships have a variety of people in their lives that fulfill a variety of needs. A woman may love to shop, and her husband doesn't, so she shops with a friend. A man may love to golf, but his wife doesn't so he plays golf with buddies. A couple certainly needs to have common interests that bond them, and shared activities are crucial…but it is also healthy to have friends and interests apart from one another.
We can't change another person's personality attributes or their behavior. We can only change our attitude and our response toward them. In a long term friendship or life partner relationship, we can choose to accept those things about that person that bother us…and hope they can do the same when it comes to our faults. Or we can decide those things are beyond our ability to tolerate and walk away.
I don't think we can choose who we fall in love with. We just fall in love. But staying in love is a decision. It takes work. And acceptance is also a decision, and it too, takes work.
It sounds so simple, but a person's willingness to accept another is the key to an enduring relationship.
My brother-in- law often jokes about how he is surprised my sister puts up with him after 30 some years of marriage. A wonderful and self-deprecating kind of guy, he'll easily list his faults, and follows with word of gratitude that she accepts him with all those faults. And my sister is quick to point out the things she does that drive him crazy.
Acceptance doesn't mean you can't be frustrated by things that bother you. It doesn't mean you like every personality trait your partner has; it simply means you weigh the good verses the bad, and if the good rules, and you accept the irksome traits for what they are. You realize that while they aren't perfect, neither are you. There is an agreement, spoken or unspoken, that you love more than you don't love about them, and the things you don't love you will live with. And, in turn, they will do the same.
When one is unwilling to offer total acceptance, the relationship is in trouble, and often fails.
To search for "the one" who will fill every single need you have is an unrealistic expectation. How unfair it is for us to expect one person to fill our every need when we ourselves cannot fulfill our own needs or 100 percent of another's, no matter how much we long too, or how hard we try.
No one fits like a glove. The people I know with lasting relationships have a variety of people in their lives that fulfill a variety of needs. A woman may love to shop, and her husband doesn't, so she shops with a friend. A man may love to golf, but his wife doesn't so he plays golf with buddies. A couple certainly needs to have common interests that bond them, and shared activities are crucial…but it is also healthy to have friends and interests apart from one another.
We can't change another person's personality attributes or their behavior. We can only change our attitude and our response toward them. In a long term friendship or life partner relationship, we can choose to accept those things about that person that bother us…and hope they can do the same when it comes to our faults. Or we can decide those things are beyond our ability to tolerate and walk away.
I don't think we can choose who we fall in love with. We just fall in love. But staying in love is a decision. It takes work. And acceptance is also a decision, and it too, takes work.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)