Acceptance

I've have the pleasure of knowing many people who have many successful, happy relationships in their lives. Whether it's a long and happy marriage, friendships that have endured time and tribulation, or family bonds that go beyond blood, there's one common theme in these relationships: Acceptance.

It sounds so simple, but a person's willingness to accept another is the key to an enduring relationship.

My brother-in- law often jokes about how he is surprised my sister puts up with him after 30 some years of marriage. A wonderful and self-deprecating kind of guy, he'll easily list his faults, and follows with word of gratitude that she accepts him with all those faults. And my sister is quick to point out the things she does that drive him crazy.

Acceptance doesn't mean you can't be frustrated by things that bother you. It doesn't mean you like every personality trait your partner has; it simply means you weigh the good verses the bad, and if the good rules, and you accept the irksome traits for what they are. You realize that while they aren't perfect, neither are you. There is an agreement, spoken or unspoken, that you love more than you don't love about them, and the things you don't love you will live with. And, in turn, they will do the same.

When one is unwilling to offer total acceptance, the relationship is in trouble, and often fails.

To search for "the one" who will fill every single need you have is an unrealistic expectation. How unfair it is for us to expect one person to fill our every need when we ourselves cannot fulfill our own needs or 100 percent of another's, no matter how much we long too, or how hard we try.

No one fits like a glove. The people I know with lasting relationships have a variety of people in their lives that fulfill a variety of needs. A woman may love to shop, and her husband doesn't, so she shops with a friend. A man may love to golf, but his wife doesn't so he plays golf with buddies. A couple certainly needs to have common interests that bond them, and shared activities are crucial…but it is also healthy to have friends and interests apart from one another.

We can't change another person's personality attributes or their behavior. We can only change our attitude and our response toward them. In a long term friendship or life partner relationship, we can choose to accept those things about that person that bother us…and hope they can do the same when it comes to our faults. Or we can decide those things are beyond our ability to tolerate and walk away.

I don't think we can choose who we fall in love with. We just fall in love. But staying in love is a decision. It takes work. And acceptance is also a decision, and it too, takes work.

Note: this article was originally written in November of 2007

Lessons At Every Age

My daughter Laura came home the other night; another all-too-brief visit from college. She was frustrated at a poor grade she received on an English paper, and crumpled under a blanket on the couch admitting "college is a lot harder than I thought it would be".

In my effort to make her feel better, I began my "momisms", which, I just can't help, and I start to share some of my own transition issues from my first year at college. I tell her that it's normal, that lots of kids have a really tough time their first year, and so on. And then my friend Elizabeth walks into the room.

Elizabeth is 10- plus years younger than me, smart, beautiful; isn't married and does not have kids. She is is an amazingly talented woman, especially in the area of writing, and this is Laura's area of interest. She told Laura her struggles in school; how she didn't get to walk the stage, had to take a class over the summer, then get her diploma. How she started and then dropped out of college more than once because it was so difficult. How she came out of it, survived and learned valuable lessons which of course she couldn't see at the time, most of which had nothing to do with the classes she took.

The following day I was on the air with my partner Scott, who also doesn't have kids of his own, but who often talks about his friend's children who mean a lot to him. Scott is a man who shares his common sense tidbits of wisdom in an easy to digest manner every day (probably due to years of training on brevity in communication due to his choice of career). Many of those "Scott-isms" click with me an hour or maybe a day or two later.

As I told him about the conversation that took place the night before he told me he sometimes feels his thoughts and opinions when shared with a young person don't have as much credibility with parents because he doesn't have kids of his own. I admitted that it was clear to me today that parents, including me, can be cocky in their assumption that their advice is the best vehicle for their kids, when in fact, life lessons lessons can be learned from so many people at every age, no matter how old we get.

In fact, we are doing our kids more of a favor when we step back sometimes and let someone else do the talking; allowing them to be exposed to people of all ages, races, religions, socio-economic levels and political beliefs. Exposure, discussion and learning through other's successes and failures is so valuable.

Both of my girls are in college, and I' thinking I need to chill out about actual grades. College is a learning experience for many things...the least of which is the actual classes you take. The real life lessons that will help them become independent, productive, discerning adults comes from living away from home, self-discipline, compromising through roommate issues, frustrations and yes, failing papers.

Disappointment is character-building. We learn more from our failures than our successes. And interestingly, the older I get, the more I realize how much I still have to learn.

Cha Cha Cha Cha ...Change

Some people, maybe most people I know, hate change. I know that change can often be inconvenient, uncomfortable and even sad...but hating it is futile because that is one of the few things we can truly count on happening in our lives.

Change.

I've had a great deal of it these last several years. A new life as a single mom, a new home, new job and changes within that job. And while some of these changes have been terribly painful and others wonderful, all have shaped me to be who I am at this moment.

My two daughters graduated from high school these last two consecutive years. Sending the first off to college last fall was tough, but sending my baby off this coming week, I admit, frightens me more. Because I know with her departure comes a period of transition, and I am doing my very best to embrace it. But I am finding it challenging because along with excitement I feel for her, I also feel doubt combined a tremendous sense of loss...for me.

This chapter of her and my life is over. With my baby leaving, the day-to-day get the girls up and out, and packing lunches, worrying about dinners, juggling schedules, deadlines and homework are done. And I don't get any more do-overs.

Did I do this mothering thing right? Is she prepared? Will she make the right decisions? Who's going to clean her room? How is she going to do with out me? And...ok... let's face it, how am I going to live without her? This fun, funny vibrant personality, who along with her big sister, has been everything I have lived for for so many years. Although I know I will still live for and through their successes and failures, college issues, boyfriends, and more...the struggles will be different.

Worries change too. Now its about their overall safety, from date rape to drinking to dorm crime, to remembering stupid things I did and praying they don't make similar mistakes. But with that worry, there is a sense of acknowledgement. And trust. I raised them right...they'll make many right decisions. And many wrong ones. And when they make the wrong ones, they'll learn. As I did. You don't learn from your successes. You learn from your failures.

Change.

My parenting will change. My role will change. It has already.

I am now an advisor, and from the sidelines, a cheerleader and a GPS as they both navigate their own course. I hope it is my GPS voice they hear saying "turn left, follow your heart, don't do this, yes...do that." And as I found with my older daughter, they do come back home...and they are changed, in a good way. It's like they grow up and leave you as children, and then return home as these mature adults.

I'll always be their mom, but the next phase now begins.

Change.

I am doing my very best to embrace it.

But...if I'm doing so well...what's with the teardrops on this keyboard?

Thankful

Last night, as I was laying in my bed Thanksgiving Eve, I felt a sense of comfort.

A cold rain was beating down on the roof, but I was cozy and warm in my bed under the greatest invention in the world: the electric blanket. In their rooms, my two daughters were warm and cozy in their beds. And in each of the three bedrooms were one of our 3 dogs: Ringo laying on the comforter at end of Elise's bed. Charlie with Laura. Little Tami with me. Elise has been away at college and this was her first night in her own bed in 3 months. Just then, right then...for those 10 seconds, all was right with the world.

There is no rational reason why I was born into this time and place. Born in this wonderful country, to loving parents; reared in a nurturing home. Why am I not in some third world country; hungry and cold? Or in a war-torn country where my experience in bed last night would be quite different...listening to artillery fire as I hid under the covers instead of listening to my dog's steady breathing.

It is only by God's grace I am in my skin... and living my life...certainly nothing I have done makes me deserving of my many blessings.

It bugs me when others do it...but I'm so guilty of it, too. Complaining about the things I want, and don't have...instead of appreciating what I do have. So today, appropriately on Thanksgiving Day, I'm going to spend some time being thankful for my many blessings.

I am thankful for my health. That I can put each foot on the floor and pull myself out of bed, pain free, when there are so many others who can't.

I am thankful for my senses: the weather may be dreary but I can see the grey sky with healthy (but aging) eyes. I can feel the sting of the sleet on my skin, and smell the wet leaves outside...and the food cooking inside.

I am thankful for my family: my two daughters, home safely, my extended family who I will see later today.

I am thankful for the technology of air travel, that brought so many home to their loved ones without incident or delay.

I am thankful for my many friends...who I have sent and received holiday emails and texts from over the last 24 hours.

I am thankful for relationships that have been mended; even though not fully resolved.

As I approach the one year anniversary of my current job...I am thankful that so many of my coworkers have turned into my friends, and are like an extended family. As dysfunctional as we all may be!

And I am thankful for a loving God, who has so richly blessed me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The Paradox of Our Time Essay

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers. We have wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less. We buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

It is a time when we can choose to share this insight electronically with others, or simply hit delete.

Note: Although this is floating around the Internet and is being attributed to George Carlin, it was not. According to snopes.comit was written by Dr Bob Moorhead, former pastor of Overlake Christian Church in Seattle.

Whoever wrote it…the wisdom is worth sharing.