Free At Last

My beautiful, gentle mother, Theresa, was released from the bondage of Alzheimer’s disease Friday afternoon, Sept 5th, 2008. Although the worst of her suffering occurred during the end-stage, in hindsight, from the first symptoms until her death she probably had the disease for at least 8 years. This is consistent with what research shows about the disease, that from onset to death, the average length of time is about 10 years.

In those early years of her illness, we didn’t realize that forgetfulness, repeating questions, and other mildly unusual behavior was anything other than getting older. And my dad, her champion and protector, covered so well. When she stopped cooking, he made it seem as though he enjoyed it and it was his turn after all these years. When she stopped driving, he’d often tell her that maybe she’d drive again “when she was feeling better” He was so quietly diplomatic and face saving. Rarely, if ever asking for help.

I see it all clearly now, I didn’t then.

As things began to get worse, we got more involved, but still, he took care of her. His patience, love and quiet suffering…we knew she was declining but had no idea how bad it was. When he died suddenly 2 years ago, the grief of losing her partner of 63 years was too much for her to bear. She plummeted, and my siblings and I got a crash course into this devastating disease.

Alzheimer’s Disease is becoming a national tragedy. While more deaths still occur from cancer, heart disease and other ailments, Alzheimer’s is now the sixth leading cause of death in America. In 2008, there are over 5 million Americans with Alzheimer's. Experts predict that 10 million baby boomers will develop Alzheimer's in their lifetime. This disease is quietly growing into a national epidemic.


It’s an insidious, cruel illness, not only robbing the victim of their memory, but also, the very essence of their personality. It begins a process of grief and loss that can last literally for years. My mom’s been gone for awhile, and yet, there were days when she would smile at me with some level of recognition. Days when I would walk in and say "hi mom" and she respond "hi honey". On those days of lucidity, my siblings and I would go home and send a family email, sharing a ray of sunshine; as if there was a glimpse of hope with each story of recognition. Those moments were gifts.

We can read the research reports, and listen to the doctors, nurses and caregivers speak from their experience. We can share stories with other families who have loved ones suffering; but in the end, we can never really know what level of cognitive ability the suffering patient has. Every person is affected differently, every family has different experiences.

My niece was getting married Saturday, the culmination of a year of planning. My mom let go the day before, and I'd love to think it was because she wanted to attend. After years looking at, through and past us as we sat with her; on this Saturday she and my dad were looking down and she was saying "Wow, it's so great to see everyone. I haven't seen any of you in years, and now I see you all because I am free...at last!"

At last.

Note: I wrote a blog last September that was, an ironic but somehow appropriate prelude to this one. Code To Freedom

Cha Cha Cha Cha ...Change

Some people, maybe most people I know, hate change. I know that change can often be inconvenient, uncomfortable and even sad...but hating it is futile because that is one of the few things we can truly count on happening in our lives.

Change.

I've had a great deal of it these last several years. A new life as a single mom, a new home, new job and changes within that job. And while some of these changes have been terribly painful and others wonderful, all have shaped me to be who I am at this moment.

My two daughters graduated from high school these last two consecutive years. Sending the first off to college last fall was tough, but sending my baby off this coming week, I admit, frightens me more. Because I know with her departure comes a period of transition, and I am doing my very best to embrace it. But I am finding it challenging because along with excitement I feel for her, I also feel doubt combined a tremendous sense of loss...for me.

This chapter of her and my life is over. With my baby leaving, the day-to-day get the girls up and out, and packing lunches, worrying about dinners, juggling schedules, deadlines and homework are done. And I don't get any more do-overs.

Did I do this mothering thing right? Is she prepared? Will she make the right decisions? Who's going to clean her room? How is she going to do with out me? And...ok... let's face it, how am I going to live without her? This fun, funny vibrant personality, who along with her big sister, has been everything I have lived for for so many years. Although I know I will still live for and through their successes and failures, college issues, boyfriends, and more...the struggles will be different.

Worries change too. Now its about their overall safety, from date rape to drinking to dorm crime, to remembering stupid things I did and praying they don't make similar mistakes. But with that worry, there is a sense of acknowledgement. And trust. I raised them right...they'll make many right decisions. And many wrong ones. And when they make the wrong ones, they'll learn. As I did. You don't learn from your successes. You learn from your failures.

Change.

My parenting will change. My role will change. It has already.

I am now an advisor, and from the sidelines, a cheerleader and a GPS as they both navigate their own course. I hope it is my GPS voice they hear saying "turn left, follow your heart, don't do this, yes...do that." And as I found with my older daughter, they do come back home...and they are changed, in a good way. It's like they grow up and leave you as children, and then return home as these mature adults.

I'll always be their mom, but the next phase now begins.

Change.

I am doing my very best to embrace it.

But...if I'm doing so well...what's with the teardrops on this keyboard?

The Power (and pain) of Email

Email. One of the greatest inventions of all time? Or the end of communication as we once knew it?

I could argue points either way.

For the most part, I'm a fan of email. On a business level, I can accomplish a great deal quite efficiently by responding more expediently to people by getting right to the point, especially when some just have a quick question. I admit that sometimes I don't call someone back right away because I know I have to have more time to spend to talk to that person, where with an email, I just type and click "send."

I've been reminded lately that email can have a very dark side: and that is in it's perceived anonymity. People can hide behind their email address, and when facing a computer screen rather than a human face or even a real voice on the other end of the phone, can say some of the most unkind things imaginable. It's like they forget a real human being with feelings is sitting on the other side, reading their cruel remarks.

As a program director, I've take a number of complaints from listeners over the years for the many stations I've worked. I've seen the complaints get uglier as the years go by an use of email has increased. People have gotten more comfortable, and more courageous behind this email mask. In the early to mid 90's when people were just starting to use email more regularly, I managed a radio station that had a high profile morning man, and he'd often say things that raised the temperature of our listeners. I'd get phone calls and written typed letter complaints, and a few email complaints about something this guy said. As the years progressed, the verbiage changed from a polite "I was personally offended by this or that", to profanity laced personal attacks, some from the same person.

One of the air personalities on our sister station talked to me about some of the emails she gets. She said that she may get 5 "I love you on the air" emails, but one hurtful one negates all the positives. Christi Nichols is so good at what she does, and I can tell her all day how talented she is, but one dagger has her down for days. It is such a reminder how powerful hurtful words can be.

I've been filling in on the air for our recently departed morning show co-host on WQMX. Shannon Alexander resigned, of her own free will, and is now staying home full time with her kids. Over a several day period I have received several emails from people saying they really miss Shannon but they were happy for her and they thought I was doing a good job filling some big shoes. Many cited many fun bits they had heard Scott Wynn and I do on the air. I was feeling good after reading the nice ones. And then...another came in.

This guy said the new girl "sucked". That I had absolutely no personality, that my voice was "annoying" and that we should get the old girl back. It was a brutal very personal attack that really hurt my feelings. I responded as politely as I could and then, a day later, I got an interesting reply back from him. He seemed embarrassed about his first email, and he said he was sorry he was so hard on me. He just really liked the other girl and didn't know the story. He said he should learn to keep his "big trap shut" and said he'd give me another chance. To his credit, he apologized and that meant a lot to me. But it made me realize that like so many others, it just didn't dawn on him that there really was a real person with real feelings on the other side, reading these mean-spirited words.

There's been a lot written about email, but I thought I'd add to that with my own little list of Do's and Dont's after being a victim of its wrath:

Do use spell check

Do use punctuation

Do double-check who you are sending to (some email programs use the auto fill-in feature and complete the wrong email address for you)

Don't send an email when you are angry. It's helpful to write a response to get your frustrations out, but save it, and read it later when you cool off. You may find writing it was all you needed and you may hit delete. Or you may edit it and send it with a softer tone. In the end, an angry email makes you come off like an idiot.

Don't type in all caps. It is perceived as screaming and...well... you come off like an idiot.

Don't type in all lower case. It is perceived as careless and it seems as though you must have no grammatical skills and yes, in fact, you come off like an idiot

Don't accidentally hit Reply All instead of Reply. That can really make you come off like an idiot if the wrong people read a reply not intended for them

And if you have any complaints about the contents in this blog...

Don't send me a mean email. I can't take it anymore!

Although polite comments are welcome :-)

A Lot Has Happened In 6 Years

I watched a TV show last night where the lead character woke up after 6 years in a coma. Not only did he have almost perfect recall of what happened before he fell asleep, he also woke up with extra sensory perception, as a part of his brain never tapped into had been somehow stimulated. Although that part made for the main storyline...I was lost in the what happened during the six years he was sleeping sidebar.

And, as you can imagine, a lot happened in 6 years.

He asked his doctor to call his mom, but she had passed away. When he saw his fiance', he learned that she had moved on with her life. As she tried to fill him in on what had been going on in her life, she made a few news event and pop culture references, telling him about a musician he hadn't heard of. She then said "I'll bring you her CD" catching herself with "oh wait, do you know what a CD is?"

I turned off the TV and marveled at the "coincidence" (which I don't believe in) of my watching that program on this particular evening. You see I really don't watch much TV so the timing of my landing on that particular show with that particular storyline wasn't lost on me. It was the eve of the six year anniversary of Phil's death.

I know this sounds crazy but I've laid awake at night and imagined some sci-fi plot that makes it possible that he walk through the door. Maybe he had amnesia or was captured by aliens, who knows...but somehow he walks in and we pick up where we left off. I know a lot has happened in six years, and like the character in the TV show, I know picking up where we left off would be difficult. But still...what would he ask? What would he be amazed about? What would he think about the world, politics, pop culture, today's current crop of country artists? What would he think about me...and his girls?

I thought about how Laura was 10 and Elise 13 when he died. Now almost 17 and 19, he would marvel at the young adults they have grown into. Although technology has progressed, because Phil was always an early adopter,I don't think he'd be too surprised at where we are 6 years later. He had a cell phone before most people did, paid over a thousand for a video camera that now costs a quarter of that, and even sold a guitar or two online before I even heard of eBay. I do think he'd appreciate the digital advances in media, however, and I'm sure we'd have a different (very expensive) TV than I do now! And, this whole social network thing and blogging would be new to him.

As I write this, I realize I don't have one digital photo of Phil, which is why he isn't on any of these pages. I really do need to go to the photo albums and scan some in.

Yeah...a lot has happened in six years, but one thing remains constant. One thing hasn't changed and never will.

Love.

Oh, for the love of....Dogs?

It's no secret to those who know me that I love animals... especially dogs. I'm a strong believer that children and animals need our special protection because they have no voice of their own. They enter the world completely full of trust and can be molded and affected completely by those who have the power to do so. And if put into the wrong hands whether through cruelty or ignorance, that power can have horrible consequences.

Fortunately, our society is becoming more aware and less tolerant of abuse against children. Through education and the media, it is more likely that known abuse of a child will be reported now that at any other point in our history. That is less the case for animals.

Some people may notice the dog chained to their neighbor's dog house in the worst cold or the worst heat...and ignore it. Some people believe dogs belong outside. Or that chaining a dog is perfectly acceptable. It's none of their business. Extremists for the cause of animal rights, like extremists of any cause have made some skeptical about getting involved.

As summer approaches, I'm asking you to open your eyes, ears and hearts to the animals around you and be their voice if you spot abuse or neglect.

It isn't acceptable for a dog to be left in a hot car, even if the windows are cracked. It isn't acceptable for a dog to be chained outside with no protection from the elements. If you see a dog chained in the sun, odds are the owner doesn't care enough to keep the water bowl filled either. That animal is suffering and living a tortured life.

Maybe you don't want to get involved. You don't want to be on the bad side of a neighbor who treats his dog that way, right? But there's a lot you can do anonymously. You can call the humane society and make a report so they can investigate. Take down the license number of the car and call the police; or report the car to the customer service center of the store. No one ever has to know it was you that made the call, but you'll feel better.

Last night my dogs were frolicking in my fenced-in yard. I heard a ruckus that sounded like a real dog fight and then a yelp--and I came running. I figured the two "boys" were fighting over a chewy bone again and called them into the house. It was then I saw a large puncture wound on Charlie's left side. The trip to the 24-hour emergency room vet was traumatic. It was heartbreaking to watch him in stress and pain. 8 staples later, we were home, but I found myself lost in thought about "the least among us". Although I don't exactly know how Charlie got his injury, I thought about the many animals who have been purposely abused and injured. Or those ignorant pet owners who may not think they are purposefully causing pain--but they are.

Our radio station, WQMX, has a weekly pet adoption feature on Thursday morning. We have learned of situations that have put most of these homeless animals in their circumstance that most people would find appalling. And in so many cases, there are people who had to have seen something, had to have known. It is our station's goal to not only raise awareness but also find loving homes for these wonderful animals.

If you or someone you know is thinking about getting a pet, before you spend money at the pet store or go to an expensive breeder, visit your local animal shelter or humane society. For a look at some of our featured pets, and for more for information and links to numerous non-profit animal rescue organizations click here:
http://www.wqmx.com/pet_rescue.asp

Note: The 7th annual Pet Expo is at Hardesty Park in West Akron this Saturday June 7th and will feature tons of rescue organizations on location with loveable pets you can take home that day. The Pet Expo is presented by radio stations WQMX, WONE and WAKR.